Top Five Reasons UMass Will Beat Charlotte

I have to address the elephant in the room; I’m on a bit of a cold streak for my UMass picks. But riddle me this:

Did the Minutmen not lose the first three battles of the American Revolution?

Why yes they did (according to Wikipedia at least)! We may have lost the last three battles but we will not lose the war. Dare I say the Minutemen purposefully lost the last three games to fly under the radar before the first tailga- I mean home game of the season? Just trying to connect some dots here.

Anyway without further ado here’s the top five reasons UMass will beat Charlotte tomorrow:

1. Charlotte’s Mascot is the 49ers

One of the teams playing tomorrow named their team after the luring of people to Charlotte based on the jaded belief they would become overnight millionaires (knockoff gold rush too IMO). The other? Named theirs after the god damn victors of the American Revolution.

Advantage Minutemen.

2. The Charlotte metropolitan area is the largest in the United States that doesn’t have a zoo.

Just like the animals in Charlotte the football team is undisciplined. 16 penalties for 147 yards in the first three games. Not good! Combine that with our feared home field advantage and I am positive we will be seeing yellow flags all day long.

3. 2012’s The Hunger Games was almost entirely shot in North Carolina.

Does the city of Charlotte condone violence? All I’m saying is no movie where the premise was death to all but one was ever shot in the beautiful peaceful town of Amherst. Unless Charlotte issues a statement on this matter; I am forced to believe karma is on the Minutemen’s side.

4. Approximately 75% of all the NASCAR teams in the world are headquartered within two hours of uptown Charlotte.

Not even a debate here. NASCAR>Football in Charlotte. I asked an unnamed UMass football player about NASCAR and he said “We’re just focused on Charlotte”. Sounds to me like the only race we care about is the race to victory.

5. There used to be a baseball stadium where the Lowe’s is on South Boulevard in Charlotte.

Sounds to me like retail establishments are valued over sports in Charlotte. I agree with Lowe’s company slogan of “Never Stop Improving” though. Fits right in line with the Minutemen improving to 2-3 on the young season. Bowl game or bust!*

These are the facts and while I know many people will try and misconstrue things in order to make a point against the Amherst boys (can’t stand when that happens) I just feel the unrelenting need to keep things objective. I guess I’m just a real journalist at heart.

Video to come 👀 Cue the Music!

 

NNNN

*- I’ll still support UMass if they don’t make a bowl. (maybe even harder)

 

 

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