A ‘No Names No Numbers’ Investigative Report

Take a look at this image: Do you notice anything?

IMG_0953.jpg

No? Look closer:

Let me start off by saying; I do not know who owns this shirt. It appeared out of nowhere on my bed. (Note: I will not be taking any further questions about how I came into possession of this t-shirt at this time)

But it got me thinking? What could possibly cause a normal human being to sweat like they are in the Sahara desert when it is 65 degrees and beautiful out? Here’s what I came up with:

  1. Whoever wore this shirt has the work ethic of Paul Bunyan and John Henry combined.

I look at a shirt like this and I envision someone who works night and day trying to perfect their craft. You don’t get pit stains that look like you just jumped in a pool sitting on your tookus all day. I imagine a physical specimen. Someone who can take down any man or machine with the blink of an eye. In other words; a total alpha.

2. Water Prank

Who is to say this isn’t all just a big misunderstanding? Maybe those aren’t pit stains at all. Ever heard of the age old prank of shoving someone’s armpits under a water fountain to make it seem as though they had embarrassing pit stains? Seriously, I have a hard time believing this is real. If I had that problem? Ha! I’d probably be lying awake in bed at night staring at my ceiling fan wondering about the cruelties of life whenever I saw a scorching hot (anything above 60 degrees) weather report for the following day. Gotta feel for this poor soul.

3. Someone got a little distracted and was running late to their Comm. seminar class and had to move like an Olympic speed walker to get their on time.

No sympathy for the victim if this is the case. Have better time management dummy.

4. A chubby (once called “skinny-fat”) 18 year old guy who no matter how much deodorant or anti-perspirant they put on always ends up with pit stains.

My advice if this is the case? Slim down fatty. There’s something called a Rec. Center- ever heard of it?

It is a case with many possible scenarios. A story that just doesn’t fall into your lap too often. Could the pit stain wearer of this shirt start continuously leaving them behind on my bed? I can’t quite say for sure. All we can hope for is that someone comes forward and reveals themselves so we can all make fun of them at their expense. Can’t wait!

NNNN

 

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