Power Ranking Nicknames That Send Me Into a Spiral of Fury and Anguish

By: Jake Sockett Twitter: @SockettJake

There is no better way to get me worked up than by calling me a nickname that comes across as condescending. That shit really just gets under my skin. Inspired by Pat’s tweet from yesterday, I’m ranking some common nicknames used.

Before we jump in here I want to just explain the context of the use of these nicknames. The context in which I am being called these names is when I don’t know the person very well and we do not really intend on getting to know each other that well (i.e., I’m at work and they are a customer, they are someone I know from class, they are a stranger on the train).

Without further ado, let’s get into it.

10) Man

Man is at the bottom of this list because it really doesn’t bother me at all. In pretty much any context I am okay with being called man. It’s not really a gender-neutral term so I can understand why non-men might get upset by the word. Interesting to think that saying “hey man,” is so normal and non-confrontational but saying “hey woman,” would be really strange.

Much to think about.

9) Dude

Pretty similar to man here, dude is a go-to “I don’t really know you but I need to get you to look at me so I can get off this train” word. The only reason it could kinda get me mad is that dude is a little bit more of a personal word than man, but I don’t really mind it.

8) Guy

Like the two before it, guy is pretty low-key. It can be said with some inflection to make it a little rude, but it’s overall not really a bothersome word. Nothing else to say.

7) Boss

Boss is an interesting one because it has been used on me both when I was the customer and when I was the employee.

Both times it got under my skin.

It’s just a simple situation of “why did you choose that word? Of all words?” I’m not your “boss” and I don’t want to be.

Leave me alone.

6) Bro

Bro sits right here because there is a degree of personal relationship needed in my book to be called bro but I understand that there are many out there who use bro on a whim and it works for them. There have been instances where I’ve been called bro by a stranger and not minded, but there are plenty of cases where a stranger called me bro and I thought, “I don’t know you, and I know I’m not your bro.” 

5) Kid

This might not apply so much to any non-Boston readers, but kid pops up a lot for me. Being called kid is kind of like someone flicking your ear. It’s not the worst thing they could do to you, but it’s fucking annoying isn’t it? It’s patronizing and the user is trying to imply that they’re older/smarter/more important through that word.

4) Chief

Chief wasn’t very common until Twitter took “I don’t know about that one, chief” and ran WILD with it for a very long time in a very dark period of Twitter History or “Twistory” if you will. The amount of times I’ve been in the mud pits of the reply section and gotten second hand anger from seeing that stupid Naruto gif of the guy doing Jutsus (I hope you know the one) is absurd.

Disagreeing with a take and using that as a response doesn’t make you right, you turd.

3) Champ

Champ is pretty much only something you want to be called by your coach/dad literally right after you’ve won a championship or by Joe Rogan/Dana White after you take a UFC belt. No other time has anyone thought “boy I wish I were being called champ right now!” 

2) Buddy

Like Pat said in his tweet yesterday, being called buddy is so demoralizing. It throws off your day and quite frankly your entire week. Getting hit with a buddy by pretty much anyone can fuck your life up, but when the girl you’re talking to smacks you in the face with a “thanks buddy!” after you tell her how cute she looked today, there’s no coming back.

1) Pal

Woof.

Where do I even start with pal? It’s just so easy to spit out of your mouth at someone. When someone calls you pal, they are probably wanting to call you fuckface but just aren’t able to say that word because there are children around (always gotta think about the children). Reserved for only the lowest of the low, pal is not to be trifled with or dropped casually.

If you call me pal, from that day going forward it’s on sight.

NNNN

Editor’s Note:

1st off- great piece by Jake.

2nd- Saw “boss” so I think I have an obligation to link to a certain someone:

#GetBagelBossOnThePod

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